Well I’ve taken the jump to a whole new level. Besides blogging my life away here I’ve joined a networking site for weightloss and dieting. Today is my first day there and already have a great first day coming to a close. I weighed in, tracked my first food of the day, started a diet blog (but I’ll be here most of the time with everything including the weight loss), And got my first full mile in this afternoon. I’m proud of myself. Due to the road and weather I have to deal with right now I’ve got a video for walking indoors. Most in place but it’s got aerobics added to it with a variety of different types of steps. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but due to my lack of mobility in the past I’m extremely out of shape and even now 2 hours and 45 mins later I’m still feeling the burn. I will walk another mile tonight before bed. It only takes 15 to 18 mins so it’s pretty quick…we are talking fast paced walking not casual dog walking 😉 lol. Upon being weds the 16th tomorrow I need to cancel my appointment and reschedule therapy due to bad weather coming in. We have snow forcasted and my ride wont venture out if there is even a dusting on the roads. But that’s ok. I am doing good so not life and death that I go to the appointment this week.
I’m still sketching and will share some of the cool one’s I’ve done…mind you I’m a beginner and practice makes perfect so don’t laugh…but you can giggle because I did! I do not think I’ll be intermediate or advanced for quite sometime but I do exercises everyday and practice for most of the day everyday. My free-writing has taken a vacation for the time being. My brain turns to mush when I open the book and I’m not one to force myself to do something that is not in my heart or mind to do at that given moment. I did however spend 3 hours watching my favorite monday night shows. Continuum, Being Human and Lost Girl. I never miss episodes of the last two and Continuum is new this season. Tonight is Face Off. Wednesday is Ghost Hunters, Thursday is a free day, Friday is Ghost Adventures and Haven however because it’s the weekend I play catch up on the missed episodes during the week at odd times of the day. But most of the daylight hours consist of sketching, appointments and running errands when needed.
Well it’s time to sign off, grab dinner and go sketch a bit before it’s time to turn on the tube.
I decided if I was going to spend an entire day online I might as well do something educations, productive and fun all at the same time. I know amazing right? Well to be honest it’s something I’ve done before, pretty much my entire life (before I knew what computers were). And well I went Bing surfing. And I found a fantastic site by an artist who writes out free lessons on a website.. I know your shaking your head saying “Out with it”. So here I am with a sketch book, a ream of extra paper to practice, graphite pencils, erasers, charcoal and low and behold sandpaper block and holy freeholy blending sticks!!
Seriously if anyone could have told me this would make me higher than my meds would allow I would have done this years ago.
Did I tell you that is actually good for my nerves?! Who would have known? Okay so maybe sketching isn’t all I’m cracking it up to be but it is fun to learn, I spend hours sitting at my desk with sketchpad and eraser or I go out and turn the tube on and sit at the table sketching a flower vase or an orange rolled cockeyed on the table with a crinkled bag of chips..actually I am working on the vase and orange and I don’t think I’m ready for the details of a bag of stale potato chips. Never the less, I find when I need to calm down, relax or just get in a good frame of mind that the sketchbook and some well written explainations of some drawing exercises fit perfectly into my world. I’m also freewriting but we wont go there…I have two pages written in a month and am lost as to how to hold on to a pen and write (I got spoiled by the keyboard). I’m trying to give myself some space away from digi scrapping and tutorial writing before I lose interest in them altogether. Another product of my mental health. I start a hobby and….wait for it….wait for it. I lose interest after a month or two. The paint shop pro thing with digi scrapping has only been since August or September of 2012. The tutorial writing I’ve been doing since 2001 and variety has kept me going on that track for all these years. However I spend more time on facebook and in PSP than I do doing anything else. Even blogging comes a distant 3rd or 4th for consuming all my time. I have two other blogs on blogger. Strickly Scrap and tut stuff. Nothing as intimate as wordpress is proving to be. I actually love it here and find that I can ramble on and on without so much as a hesitating keystroke. I should have done this a loooong time ago. I admit I’ve been here before but didn’t stay because I couldn’t design my own layout unlike blogger. But WordPress has it’s advantages too! Prying eyes cannot find m here! I SO LOVE THAT IDEA!!
Before I turn in for the night (ermmm morning) I just wanted to say that I had the most excruciating meal tonight. No kidding I burned my mouth so bad I think I was sooo close to calling the fire dept to put out the fire going on in my mouth and throat. I get creative when I cook and wasn’t thinking very clearly when I opened a package of HOT sausage, chopped it up in bite size pieces. Chopped a Spanish Onion and sauteed them together. But I’m not finished yet.. Minced Garlic added to the pan with a touch of olive oil. Talk about a great taste…but it left blisters on my tongue. Will I ever make it and eat it again? Oh my YES!
Okay I’m exhausted and before I start becoming a total blithering idiot I’m heading to bed. (I say that like I wasn’t on a solo rant of endless banter).
I just got back from my appointment for my meds. She’s happy as my meds FINALLY have me evened out compared to where I was before she started changing dosages around. I was fluctuating extreme highs and extreme lows and my moods and energy were conflicting like black and white. I’m more at an even level and haven’t had any ups and downs that are far from what I would call “normal”. Which by the way is not what most would consider normal. I’m not running around talking so fast I can’t be understood and I’m not having as hard a time getting out of bed as I had been. So she feels that for now I’m good enough to come in every two months. Yay for me!
I normally don’t go to sleep until 2 or 3 am and then get up about 11 or noon. The computer and my online “friends” are my life. I have no friends outside of the internet except for the couple I live with and my mom. My Therapist is a friend as well. Going to her is like having coffee with someone you grew up with. I have issues with panic attacks when there’s more than two people around me at any given time. I overall can’t stand face to face contact. I’m scared to death that I’m going to pass out or have a heart attack. I can’t think of anything intelligent to say past the intitial “Hello”. I hate going in public because I can’t stand people looking at me. I have no self esteem and fight with myself just to go to appts. I am easily distracted by what I THINK others think about me or whisper behind my back. I always think people are against me, out to hurt me and yes at times to kill me but in my heart I know the killing part is my diagnosed “Mild schizophrenia” as the Psych put it. Now talk about a person who is terrified of what others think, imagine that ten times as bad when thinking about being pushed away and ridiculed, made fun of and out right turn people off. I had a fantastic relationship and when the poor guy couldn’t handle it anymore after 7 years he broke my heart. I still love him unconditionally and he knows it, but I also know he’s not capable of loving a Bi-polar Schizophrenic. I don’t blame him, I’d probably leave him if the roles were reversed if I didn’t understand…however I’d also get information to get a better handle on how to handle it. I find it really difficult living with myself. I can only imagine how hard it is for someone else. Not knowing from one minute to the next how I’m going to react/respond to stimulus that someone without the diseases would or wouldn’t. I don’t care what anyone else says. Life is not only difficult but it’s downright terrifying. Unless you have Bi-polar or Schizophrenia you have absolutely NO clue what it’s like so please don’t ever tell me you do know and pity me. I don’t want pity. I am learning to handle my life as best as I can and I’m functioning at what level I can without being considered legally incapable of taking myself. I am happy in knowing that it can be controlled to some extent and I wont stop living because of it. I just have to live differently than others. No I don’t think it’s not fair because I’m sick. Life isn’t fair even for those who don’t have what I have and what many others have. But I’m not proud or happy about it either. I’m ashamed and embarassed but I also want others to understand it from my perspective not from the point of view of being scared of me being contagious. I’m not I don’t care what you were told. You can’t contract it from talking to me, being near me or loving me. I have only known two people in my life who understood my conditions/diseases before I did and who no matter what learned to handle it with understanding, unconditional love and with such dedication I’ve been amazed at what people can be capable of. My dad suspected what I had and researched it and never told me (I accidentally found out before he died of cancer in 2004) and knew exactly when I had enough of something. How to calm me down when I had episodes in public and gave me a job because I couldn’t work for others who didn’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t understand. My mom begged me to get help and get on meds. For a long time I didn’t and went down hard. I hit the bottom of a hole that took me getting committed and put on meds without my consent to get me to realize I did need help after all. Today I still hate going to the pharmacy to pick up meds because I’m so ashamed at others knowing but I know I have to. If I were not on the meds I’d either be committed legally for the rest of my life or I’d be dead..yes suicide. I tried once but was stopped by the gun owner…had he been 1 second later my mother and father would have had to bury me. Do I regret him saving me? No. I’m relieved he did. This life I’m living I look at as a lesson. One I have to learn but I’m still unsure of what the lesson exactly is. I have suspicions but I hate to openly speculate.
Life is good, being on meds makes it tolerable. It doesn’t make it easier for me.
It’s been a while but I went out and bought some fresh parsnips and we had them drowned in butter and fried with baked beans and bratwurst! I should have taken a picture but my mouth was watering so badly I forgot I had a camera let alone a laptop. I couldn’t help it parsnips made my brain mushy. I’m a vegetable lover since birth and there are things that you like and make you happy, they release a chemical in your brain and well… Vegetables get mine released and running like gerbils on a wheel! Some think it should be sugar and other things that are bad for you…but for me it’s vegetables and vanilla flavored Silk….I could spend all my money on just those two things and I think I’d be in paradise. I’ll be sure to get pictures posted of my future meals..among other daily things like the dogs, the weather, randomness from walks, rides and of course my mom’s where I act like I’m 12 again! So much to make me happy! So why you ask am I bi-polar? Alot of different things and as days go by and entries are written you’ll definately get some insight into what makes me crazy and not so crazy 😉
Wow it’s been since forever that I’ve been on WordPress. I forgot I can’t make my own layout without upgrading so you will have to bear with me and view this with a WordPress layout.
Just a bit about who you are going to get to know:
I’m 4o something and divorced twice. I have no children and I was born in the town I now live in. I grew up in a very small town just north of where I currently reside. South Eastern Vermont area is very beautiful and alot to see if you love weekend road trips! I am learning to sketch/draw and I free write to keep myself off the computer otherwise I’d be on it 24/7. I do alot of digi-scrapping and sell my items I make online. Mostly digital kits and I write and sell scripts to use in Paint Shop Pro to create items to put in kits. Templates are also fun to create, used much like the scripts only you just colorize the layers to suit your needs. I also write tag tutorials using Paint Shop Pro. I am currently using PSP9 and PSPX2 but also own PSP8, PSPX4 and PSPX5 Ultimate. I also have CS3 and CS6 but my CS6 crashed and I’ve not installed my old CS3 as of yet. Oh yeah and one other thing I love food. I love cooking it and I love eating it. Hence this little adventure will also include my adventure with better eating and getting some weight loss going…so definately be prepared for a multitude of variety in my posts.
I am very random and have a hard time staying on one topic for too long. You’ll either get bored of it and go elsewhere or you’ll ignore it or get used to it and keep reading. Either way I thank you for stopping in and spending at least a few moments!
So with all that being said I have a few things to get done today but will begin my regular postings either tonight or tomorrow.
Have a wonderful day!